So just so everyone knows, im taking my lifes advice from a broadway play, Avenue Q...  Its how I feel right now.

PRINCETON:
Why does everything have to be so hard?

GARY COLEMAN:
Maybe you'll never find your purpose.

CHRISTMAS EVE:
Lots of people don't.

PRINCETON:
But then- I don't know why I'm even alive!

KATE MONSTER:
Well, who does, really?
Everyone's a little bit unsatisfied.

BRIAN:
Everyone goes 'round a little empty inside.

GARY COLEMAN:
Take a breath,
Look around,

BRIAN:
Swallow your pride,

KATE MONSTER:
FOr now...

BRIAN, KATE, GARY, CHRISTMAS EVE:
For now...

NICKY:
Nothing lasts,

ROD:
Life goes on,

NICKY:
Full of surprises.

ROD:
You'll be faced with problems of all shapes and sizes.

CHRISTMAS EVE:
You're going to have to make a few compromises...
For now...

TREKKIE MONSTER:
For now...

ALL:
But only for now! (For now)
Only for now! (For now)
Only for now! (For now)
Only for now!

LUCY:
For now we're healthy.

BRIAN:
For now we're employed.

BAD IDEA BEARS:
For now we're happy...

KATE MONSTER:
If not overjoyed.

PRINCETON:
And we'll accept the things we cannot avoid, for now...

GARY COLEMAN:
For now...

TREKKIE MONSTER:
For now...

KATE MONSTER:
For now...

ALL:
But only for now! (For now)
Only for now! (For now)
Only for now! (For now)
Only for now!

Only for now!
(For now there's life!)
Only for now!
(For now there's love!)
Only for now!
(For now there's work!)
For now there's happiness!
But only for now!
(For now discomfort!)
Only for now!
(For now there's friendship!)
Only for now (For now!)
Only for now!

Only for now! (Sex!)
Is only for now! (Your hair!)
Is only for now! (George Bush!)
Is only for now!

Don't stress,
Relax,
Let life roll off your backs
Except for death and paying taxes,
Everything in life is only for now!

NICKY:
Each time you smile...

ALL:
...Only for now

KATE MONSTER:
It'll only last a while.

ALL:
...Only for now

PRINCETON:
Life may be scary...

ALL:
...Only for now
But it's only temporary

Ba-dum ba-dum
Ba-dum ba-dum
Ba dum ba-dum
Ba-da da da da
ba-da da-da da da-da
Ba-dum ba-da, ba-dum ba-da
ohhhh-

PRINCETON:
Everything in life is only for now.
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I kinda feel like everything is falling apart. 
I literally just feel like everything is only for now, because sometimes its the only way I feel like ill make it through. 

Its not a way to live.

I miss it.

I am pretty tired.

Of everything.

And nothing.

Nothing at all.

Go ahead, and surprise me with your actions.

I bet you can't.

You have already surprised me with enough.

Enough.

Of.

Everything.

So, im sitting here in my boyfriends basement, listening to him study for his EMT-CC class and it has me being very thoughtful.  I spend my days on an Ambulance.  I get paid to transport people from hospital to hospital, hospital to home, home to hospital. hospital to nursing home, and about any combination of the above. I get paid to do 911 calls on the days I don't get to do transports. Four days a week I climb into that ambulance and away I go to service the state of New York. I got sent upstate yesterday, so now I can officially say it is "State of New York" and not just Long Island. Two nights a week after work I hop into the Ambulance at my Volunteer organization and away I go again this time into the night hoping to get a few hours sleep in between the calls we might get for whatever it is my town decides will be the special tonight. So I end up going through all these calls, some for free and some paid, and what do I end up taking away from them? Sometimes nothing at all, and sometimes everything. When am I going to be satisfied?

Im sitting here listening to these questions, words cutting through the air that have no meaning to me, and some have all the meaning in the world. Some dance inside my head from Immunology, from EMT-B school, from Biology, and even Chemistry. I pick up some things around the Ambulances I ride in that have consumed my life. I pick up things from outstanding medics and from regular EMT-B's who have been doing this longer than I have, some of them having been EMT's for longer than I have been alive.

I want to have the knowledge of doing this for years and years.  I want to know things to teach people who ride with me when they ask, but for now im an eager student.  I ask every question my mind can possibly wrap itself around because I want to help people. I want to know more than I do so I can save more lives, and do more interventions. On the same token though, I don't want to be 40 years old and doing EMS. It kills your body.  I come home now with bruises on my legs, wrists that I need to wrap because my patients were alittle on the heavy side, or a back that hurts for a whole day if your lucky. If your unlucky, you need surgery, or will suffer chronic back pain your whole life. EMS is not something you plan on doing forever, although the thought is nice.
In theory, it is a good thought. EMS till you die... I mean really, who wants to do anything until they die? Everyone around me says they hate their job.  I actually like going to mine, but what if the time comes when I actually hate going to it? Then what do I do?  Do I just simply sit there and keep going at it because I dropped my college career to follow my EMS dreams? I am terrified that I will hurt myself and have nothing to fall back on.

I studied Forensic Science with a minor in Criminal Justice. I didn't finish.  I didn't finish because I needed Organic Chemistry. I passed the first half, and totally butchered the second. I switched my major to Criminal Justice because I felt I needed to graduate with something, but I am never going to use a Criminal Justice degree. I don't want to be a police officer although I took all the police tests in my area. I want to finish my Forensic Science degree to have in case Paramedic doesn't work, but honestly, im scared that that even won't be a good fall back mechanism.

The job market is so saturated for Forensic Science these days...

My brain is saturated with all this thinking.

I think its bed time...

My body is so tired that my eyes burn to keep them open and yet when I lay down to sleep I can't seem to actually fall asleep.  This makes no sense to me.  However I guess more and more life is not making any sense to me. I thought I knew what it was exactly that I wanted, but the more that time passes, the less im sure if this is what I really want to be doing.  I was thinking of my degree the other day.  The woman from school left this message on the machine about how I should call to make a schedule for classes if I plan on going back to school this coming semester.

Why finish something I will never use?

I studied Forensic Science, and needed to switch because, well, I was not smart enough to make it through Organic Chemistry. Tried and tried and tried, it just really was not for me.  No Organic Chemistry means no Forensic Science degree, so I switched Criminal Justice from my minor to my major, but I don't want to be a cop in spite of the fact that I have taken all the police tests in my area and I have done well.  I don't want to be a lawyer, because even though law interests me, I could not make it my career.  Not to mention that I cannot put my feelings aside to defend someone who I thought was doing the wrong thing all along. Thats not for me either.

What I should have done was stay with what I wanted in the first place back in my first year of college.  I wanted to do psychology.  I know everyone ends up taking some psychology something or other, but I really think it would have been cool to do Forensic Psychology and work with murderers and serial killers and the like, but even that is something that im kind of blah about.

I really want to be a Paramedic, but how long can one really be a Paramedic?  How long before your body gives out on you from sheer usage?  I mean even now as an EMT, the lifting is just icky.  The way the patients look at you when you help them though, is worth it for me.  A woman gave me a huge hug the other day and a kiss on the cheek for helping her and she was so grateful I walked around with a smile on my face for the rest of the day.

Im going to lunch with my mom today.  I think we are going to whole foods, which means that I need to get in the shower and find some clothes that are not all crinkled up on my bed. That, and I promised her I would do the towels, only to realize that even though I have lived on my own for almost 6 months and cooked dinner for my ex-fiance and I, and kept a clean house, and even cleaned the bathroom I still don't know how to do a load of laundry if I need to use bleach...

So im sitting here on the floor of the room that I just cleaned. I never lay on my stomach, but omg does my back hurt.  I did an eight hour tour yesterday on an interfacility truck and we had a very very heavy patient.  Thats one thing about EMS that is always hard for me and will always be hard for me. Lifting people who weigh alot. I guess people in EMS have bad backs for a reason. Not that mine is bad, just sore, and im pretty sure most of it has to do with the bed I slept on last night.  You would think that the beds at my volunteer ambulance company would be very comfortable, but not so much.  I would rather sleep in the ambulance on the stretcher, but if you want to know a secret I am 22 and I am still scared of the dark.

Speaking of 22, my birthday was ok. It was a Thursday, and Joey had school and even though I know that he couldn't come have cake with me it was still kinda crappy.  Nikki came over and had cake with us, and my mom was very inventive and had the bakery make a pyramid out of cannoli's and she put candles on it.  I have never seen anything like it. I was supposed to have birthday dinner on Thursday but I had work and so did Joey, and then I was going to have it on Saturday but he wanted to go to the benefit for his friend Danny which ended up being canceled anyway, and now im just kinda blah about it.  There is this place that I want to go to called the Ale House that was just built near where I live, and I seem to have no time to go there either. I also seem to have no money to go there with. It kinda sucks.

I think im done writing for now. I may want to go take a ride to the bookstore.  I need something to read.

<3